Sport · Rugby
Kinross Rugby Ball Kicked Into Loch Leven in 1998 Finally Returned by Swan
Swan described as 'a good handler'; club considering offering it a trial on the wing.
Section
Sport
Sport · Curling
Perth Curling Season Opens With Record Number of People Shouting ‘Hurry Hard’ at Things That Aren’t Curling Stones
Shoppers seen bellowing at trolleys; one man sweeps the M90 in front of his own car.
Sport · Running
Perth Parkrun Overtaken by Escaped Traffic Cone Rolling Downhill
Cone records personal best and new course record; asked for comment, it said nothing, as is customary.
Sport · Bowls
Kinross Bowls Club Final Goes to ‘Sudden Death’ After 7 Hours; Two Players Still Considering Their Next Bowl
Spectators bring sleeping bags; officials consider replacing jack with 'something easier to see in the dark'.
Sport · Football
St Johnstone Lodge Formal Complaint Against the Wind for ‘Playing for the Other Team’
McDiarmid Park gust ruled offside four times in first half; referee 'did not have a clear view' of the weather.
Sport
Saints Women Return From International Break, Confirm International Breaks Are ‘Bad for Everyone, Always’
Football's most disruptive invention blamed for 'everything from rusty legs to the weather'.
Sport
Saints Fifth Ahead of Ibrox Trip; Fans Advised to Enjoy the View From the Table While It Lasts
Supporters urged to screenshot the league table 'for the grandchildren'.
Sport
Saints Star Says Team ‘Can’t Be Bullied’; Perth Fans Ask If That Also Covers the Price of a Pie
Defiant words inspire supporters to stand up to 'big lads, high balls and catering'.
Sport
Saints Had Substitution Board Ready Moments Before Equaliser, Confirming the Board Is Cursed
Kitman reportedly 'holding it like a live grenade' as two subs waited on the touchline.
Sport
Flare Pause Halts Saints Attack; Fans Insist It Was the Only Thing That Ever Could
An unbroken St Johnstone attack is 'a rare and fragile thing, like a Perth summer'.
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