“Scotland's Finest News Source, Allegedly”
MPs at Westminster are once again chewing over whether there will be an early general election. A Perth church hall has decided not to take any chances.
English regional mayors are getting more financial freedom. Perth, which does not have a mayor, would like one, and has already bought a chain.
Help with bills is welcome. Perth's pensioners have already budgeted it, spent it in their heads, and put on a second cardigan just in case.
The party is debating which way to go next. Perth drivers say the trick is to pick a lane early, indicate clearly and never, ever look at the person from Fife next to you.
The Prime Minister wants an office in the north of England. Perth says it has had an office in the north of Britain for centuries, and nobody gave it any staff.
Figures show recycling is down. Perth families say they'd do better if the rules fitted on one fridge magnet.
The long-delayed CalMac ferry has slipped again. Kinross boatmen say they have been reliably crossing water since Mary Queen of Scots.
Environmental campaigners staged a fossil fuel protest in fancy dress at Bute House. Perth's ten-year-olds say they invented the format.
John Healey has hinted the pledge to give 18 to 20-year-olds the full adult rate may slip. Perth's Saturday staff have formed a union in the stock room.
The former Chancellor's comments set off a fresh row about Europe. In Perth, the debate was mainly about cheese.
Lights out? Smells nice. Now in Power Cut, Granny's Hall Cupboard and Wet Dog By The Fire. Never leave a lit candle unattended, even a funny one.
Feeling a bit leany? Restores posture to stacks, steeples and uncles after weddings. Consult a qualified professional. Seriously. — Kinnoull Vitality Co.