The Campaign to Blow Up Broxden Roundabout
Metaphorically, officer — a controlled demolition by committee, with bunting
By the Perthetic Campaigns Desk (currently on its fourth lap)
Broxden Roundabout, where the A9, M90, A93 and Crieff Road meet to argue. Many drivers who went past this sign are still going round. Photo: Stanley Howe, via Wikimedia Commons / Geograph, CC BY-SA 2.0.
For too long, the people of Perth have suffered in silence. Well, not silence. In honking. For too long, they have entered Broxden roundabout as hopeful young motorists and emerged, sometimes days later, as grey, hollow-eyed veterans muttering "it said A9 North, it definitely said A9 North."
Today, Perthetic launches The Campaign to Blow Up Broxden Roundabout. We wish to be absolutely clear, for legal reasons and because a man from Police Scotland reads this website on his lunch: we mean metaphorically. We are proposing a controlled demolition by committee. There will be a working group. There will be a consultation. There will be bunting. The most explosive thing involved will be the tea urn at the public meeting.
A Monument to Indecision
Broxden is not so much a junction as a philosophical question. The A9 arrives from the south wanting to go north. The M90 arrives from Edinburgh wanting to go anywhere. The A93 wanders in from somewhere like a confused spaniel. The Crieff Road joins for reasons it has never explained. All of them meet at one giant ring of tarmac and are told, by a series of lane markings designed by a man who had clearly just finished a spirograph, to sort it out among themselves.
"You pick a lane," explained one local motorist, "and the lane picks you back. Then halfway round it turns into a different lane. Then it's a slip road. Then you're in the Park & Ride. I didn't want to park. I didn't want to ride. I live in Letham."
The Broxden Bermuda Triangle
Perthetic has obtained figures, which we made up, suggesting that up to one in five drivers entering Broxden at rush hour are never seen again. Their cars are believed to be still circling, kept alive by the lights of the services and occasional drive-through McDonald's runs. A support group has formed on the inside lane. They meet every 40 seconds.
Sat-navs fare no better. Several devices have been reported to say "In 200 yards, at the roundabout, take the... take the..." before going quiet and displaying only a small sad face. One premium model reportedly told its owner, "Honestly? Just go home," and switched itself off.
Lorries: Kings of the Ring
Into this chaos rolls the articulated lorry, the apex predator of Broxden. Lorries do not indicate at Broxden. Lorries do not need to. Lorries simply arrive, swing round in a majestic arc that takes up three lanes and part of Perth, and leave. Smaller vehicles cower by the kerb like gazelles at a watering hole. "I once followed a lorry from Tesco for Dundee all the way round four times," said a driver from Bridge of Earn. "I thought it knew where it was going. It turns out it was also lost. We exchanged a look. It was beautiful."
Our Demands
The Campaign's proposals, drawn up on the back of a Broxden Services receipt, are as follows:
- The roundabout to be symbolically "blown up" in a ceremony involving a big cardboard plunger, a brass band and one of those confetti cannons.
- A new junction to be designed by a panel of Perth taxi drivers, who are the only people known to have ever left Broxden on purpose.
- Every driver still circling to be offered a free coffee, counselling and directions written on an actual piece of paper.
- A commemorative plaque reading: "Here stood Broxden. Nobody knew which lane."
Critics say the campaign is unrealistic, unhelpful and "definitely a joke, right?" To them we say: yes. Obviously. But so is Broxden, and nobody's laughing at that one.
Sign below. Make your voice heard. Then take the third exit. Or possibly the second. Look, just follow the lorry.