Now That I Have Superfast Broadband in Comrie, I Have Lost the Only Excuse I Ever Had
For twenty years 'the internet's down' got me out of everything. Those days are over.
The author, now reachable at all times, looks out at the hills he can no longer hide behind.
For twenty glorious years, I lived in a corner of Comrie where the internet arrived only occasionally, like a distant relative at Christmas. It was slow. It was unreliable. And it was, I now realise, the greatest gift I have ever been given.
Because when you live with terrible broadband, you have the perfect excuse for everything.
Missed a work Zoom? “Sorry, connection dropped.” Didn’t reply to the family WhatsApp about Auntie Jean’s 80th? “Never came through, the signal here’s a nightmare.” Asked to fill in an online form, renew a parking permit, or join a 9am Teams call with a man called Darren from Glasgow? “I’d love to, but I’m in Comrie. It’s basically 1952.”
People accepted it. They pitied me. Colleagues used to say, “Poor Hamish, out there in the wilds.” I’d nod gravely, then go fishing.
Then, this month, the Reaching 100% programme arrived. A van came. A man did something to a pole. And suddenly, without warning or consent, I had superfast fibre.
My life is over.
Now I’m on every call. Darren can see me. Darren can see my kitchen. Darren has opinions about my kitchen. I have been added to four new WhatsApp groups, one of which is just for discussing the Comrie bonfire, and it’s October.
Last night my sister sent me a 47-minute video of her dog. It loaded instantly. I had no choice but to watch it. The dog does nothing. It’s a very nice dog, but it does nothing for 47 minutes.
I tried telling my boss the internet was down. He said, “Hamish, Openreach put out a press release.” There was a list. Comrie was on it. My boss had read the list.
So this is my plea to whoever runs the R100 programme: I’m grateful, truly. But if you could just occasionally, maybe once a fortnight, make it a little bit worse, I’d be eternally in your debt. And, crucially, briefly unreachable.
The real story: R100 broadband now available in Comrie and dozens of other Perth and Kinross areas (Openreach, Oct 2026)
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