“Scotland's Finest News Source, Allegedly”
Proposed sister village asked to submit evidence of drizzle, midges and a tearoom that shuts at four 'before anything is signed'.
Timekeepers' decision 'will make no difference whatsoever' to Stagecoach timetables, bin collections or the Perth station clock.
Roads chiefs 'deeply inspired' by a deadline described as settled, final and absolutely not subject to review.
Local sceptic: 'If I believed every man who promised me money if I did what he said, I'd own Broxden by now.'
Parents report children 'calmly unbothered by Scottish weather' and asking for rye bread by name.
Fans of both clubs 'forced to be polite to each other' until at least the next fixture.
Winning firm 'edged it on price, on quality and on being the only envelope in the room'.
Agricultural community 'deeply moved' by fantastical depiction of people who get to go home.