PERTH — Fresh from a 1-0 win away at Aberdeen in which their only shot on target was a 14th-minute penalty, St Johnstone have announced a bold new strategy: phasing out all unnecessary shots.

"Why take eleven shots when one will do?" asked Saints Director of Efficiency Colin Baxter, holding a spreadsheet with one cell filled in. "Other clubs waste thousands of kicks every season. Kicks the ball doesn't even want. We're asking: what if football, but less?"

The club confirmed the shot from Pittodrie has been framed and will go on display in the McDiarmid Park trophy cabinet, beside a commemorative plaque, an attendance certificate and a laminated map showing which way Aberdeen is.

The victory was Saints' first top-flight away win since February 2025, lifting them into the top six. Supporters have reacted with a mixture of jubilation and deep, deep suspicion.

"You don't just go up to Aberdeen and win," said Saints season ticket holder Willie Haggart, 71. "I've been going since 1979. Something's wrong. I've checked the boiler twice. I've told my wife to stay away from ladders."

Rival fans have accused the club of "boring them into submission", a charge Saints reject. "It's not boring," said Baxter. "It's tension. Ninety minutes of tension, broken up by one moment of joy, followed by seventy-six minutes of defending with the grim determination of a pensioner at a bus stop."

Ahead of Saturday's home match against Dundee United, the club has reportedly begun training players to score with zero shots on target, relying instead on "positive energy and a strong wind off the Tay."