PITLOCHRY — Days after learning that neither Pitlochry nor Crieff had made the shortlist to become the UK's first Town of Culture in 2028, residents of both towns have pledged to become "so unbearably cultured that the judges will have to live with it for the rest of their lives".

"Grimsby is still in it. Basildon is still in it," said Cultural Revenge Coordinator Hamish Loudon, wearing two berets. "We have a festival theatre, a dam with a fish ladder, and more tweed per square metre than any settlement in Europe. If that is not culture, I don't know what culture is. I have a laminated definition, if they'd like to see it."

In Pitlochry, plans are under way for a 24-hour poetry vigil on the Aldour footbridge, as well as an immersive theatrical piece about the salmon ladder, performed entirely by salmon. "The fish have been very professional," said one director. "Difficult with the stairs, though."

Crieff, meanwhile, has announced a rival programme including an interpretive ceilidh, a Hydro-wide silent disco in which all guests are given different music, and a 40-metre knitted salmon "large enough to be seen by the Department for Culture, Media and Sport from London."

Relations between the two towns, already competitive, have reportedly deteriorated. "Pitlochry thinks it's better because it has a theatre," said Crieff resident Janice McEwan, 58. "Well, Crieff has a Hydro. And a Hydro has a theatre inside it. Checkmate."

Both towns agree on one thing: whoever wins in 2028 should expect a visit. "We'll be there," said Loudon. "Every day. With a harp."